|
The Citizen
Entry 1
By Steven Paul Lansky
Journal Entry 4.22.01 Sitwell’s
It’s the third day with a half dose of haldol. I am taking two point five milligrams at bedtime (which is often early in the morning) plus twenty milligrams of Geodon. This is the newest atypical anti-psychotic. I’ve been taking it for over a week, and now I’m beginning to gradually reduce the older, typical, tranquilizing haldol.
What’s different? I ask myself. I know that today I started sooner and with slightly more clarity than I used to. I’m at the coffeehouse at three Saturday afternoon. It’s blustery, warm, and the sky is full of pollen, petals, and seeds. I am praying that I can get some more grading done than usual on a Saturday afternoon. I think I am pumping the energy gained (if there is such a thing) into career channels. Over the last week, I’ve done a little more cleaning and caretaking at home, though in this end of the semester rush, it seems obvious that I must balance major work demands with other needs. I’ve recently started drinking Red Rose tea; a black tea made from orange pekoe. The caffeine starts my afternoon. It also helps break up the phlegm, as I’m recovering from a head and chest cold.
Looking over what I’ve written, I sense a methodical, prosaic, clear set of statements. What are my feelings? Well, I dreamt about being on the phone after dialing a long series onto a tiny keypad, in an open office area where I could see the man I was trying to connect with. I told him I was a Harvard alumnus and I wanted to give a reference for a student applying there. He put me on hold; I doubted the appropriateness of what I was doing and made another call while I was on hold. I woke up, still on hold.
I feel secure in my position, but am scared. The fear is about girls, and growth, and loss, and a general unreadiness to make any commitment. I have no long-term job security. I think I could collect disability after I graduate and have as much income as if I work as an adjunct. I don’t think I have the capacity to teach more than two sections and still feel human, in control and happy. I am afraid of the work monkey. What will happen next? I have papers to grade, so I have to put this aside. I have less resentment, today, as I understand that writing is competitive and there is no reason to expect anyone to want to read my novel. Yet, I am a writer, and I must choose the best way to continue to write, because that is what I do.
Journal Entry at home 10.4.04
As this book begins, it seems clear that it was April of 2001. I began writing it as the experiment to take an anti-psychotic with less debilitating side-effects began. And it concludes as the experiment ends. The writing of it took another two years and two months (a completed draft). Some of it came to me as the experiences unfolded in real time. Much of the writing was honed later and some chapters were developed entirely from memory, without any notes. By the time the text was complete, I had graduated from Miami University with an MA in Creative Writing, and continued teaching there, as an Adjunct Faculty member, rather than as a Graduate Assistant. I began to collect disability after getting back on haldol and still do. No part of this text was evaluated as part of my degree program. Currently I teach Introduction to Creative Writing, Poetry and Short Fiction.
The material published in Queen City Forum Magazine’s “The InkTank” retains the copyright and all rights are reserved to the author of the story, poem, serial, or otherwise. None of the afore mentioned may be copied, reprinted or reproduced without the expressed written consent of the author.
Links
· The Citizen Archives
· About the Authors--QCF Magazine March 2005
· QCF Magazine homepage
· The InkTank Archives
|
