May 2005
Bending the Rules that You Make
Mrs. King goes against her own belief system and it's okay--for now
by Colleen King
QCF Magazine social columnist
There are certain things that throw up a red flag in relationships. I, for one, will not date a heroine addict. I’m sure there are great heroine addicts out there, but the thought of a man being thinner than I am, track marks on his inner arm and the image of Leonardo DiCaprio in “Basketball Diaries” is not a turn-on for me. There are other things we weigh; we think about age, past relationships, current economical standing, location, job, job prospects and the like. And, as women, we should. Biologically, we are looking for a secure mate. Sadly, yes, this is what women are looking for. No matter how much we tell ourselves we are searching for romance, lust, sex, fun, humor or desire, we are searching for a partner to make us feel safe. Many of you are now turning away from reading this simply thinking I am a bitch. That’s fine, but the truth is we are simpler than we want to think we are. But imagine we weren’t. Suppose these lists we create of what we want is most important. (My list includes a man who has a passion for artistic expression, a guy who likes me and a guy who is not allergic to cats, among many other expectations.)
In college I wrote an article about how Dr. Phil claims we should disregard our lists and date without our mandatory guidelines. We should forget about what we think we want and just see what happens. I thought it was crap. We make our lists for a reason, right? We date and cross off characteristics we don’t like and find personality traits we adore. Our lists have a purpose. But, for the sake of argument, I’ll attempt to listen to Dr. Phil. Okay, so what happens now? You meet a guy who has so many of your strikes…but he rocks. Do you go forward with it?
I know I sound like an idiot. Let me explain. Maybe he is older than what you think is okay. Maybe he has blue hair. Maybe the thought of his children scares you to death. Maybe the fact he voted for the asshole makes you cringe. But what if when you are with him none of that seems to matter? What if when you are with him that all seems to melt away while you are giggling, blushing and yes – getting butterflies.
Do you ignore your head, saying this is not where you want to direct your attention? Do you wave away thoughts of “this is not where I want to be” that you have when he isn’t around you?
I don’t know.
I asked a new friend for advice. I figured she didn’t know my complete insanity, and she could be somewhat of an outsider in my quest for complete relationship understanding. When I relayed the story she responded, “Colleen, you know, if you would have told me a year ago that I would be dating a boy in a wheelchair I would have laughed in your face. But, ya know, I am, and I am so happy.” She continued with, “Think about it this way. If someone told you he or she couldn’t be this guy’s friend just because of what you told me, you would think they were assholes. Right?”
Mary is right. Just because someone doesn’t completely fit your mold doesn’t mean they are unworthy of friendship…and isn’t that the most important part of any relationship? Well, other than sex. Just kidding.
So I resolve to finally take Dr. Phil’s advice and throw away my list…or at least abandon it for a short time. Because what I know is he doesn’t fit the form of a perfect mate I have created in my mind, but I’m only 23, and time is not yet of the essence. Sure, I am still searching for the musician, cat-loving Democrat who will look at me like I am the newest wonder of the world, but for now I try to see what is beyond that. But heroine addicts are still out; track marks aren’t sexy.
Colleen King’s column “Miss King Meets the Queen City” is a comprehensive look at “20 and 30-something” relationships in Cincinnati. Her column appears regularly in QCF Magazine.
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