| January 2006
To Love or to Regret
QCF Magazine columnist
I have tried to live life without regrets, but this is hard to do when you look back at yourself wearing a day-glo green shirt and stretch pants with a smile that screams, “Oh, yeah, baby, I am hot.” Granted, I have even stated, “I don’t have regrets, but sure, if I were to do it all over again, I may make some changes.” Such as, I probably wouldn’t have dated the guy that only a month after we broke up felt the need to inform me that he was gay, or even called the guy who was obviously not interested in me five times in one day. So we learn from our mistakes, and this is why we would not commit them again, but what about being so scared on both sides? What if you aren’t sure what is the bigger risk?
When it comes to ‘is risking everything for love smart,’ I don’t know the right answer. Some people would suggest laying your heart and soul out and putting every last ounce of hope out there for the taking is the only way to win what you want; others would warn you that nothing hurts more than a broken heart, and if it is meant to be, it will be. When is it right to throw away all reason like a used Q-tip and follow what is possibly a pathetic heart?
Scenario A: He is tall, dark and definitely handsome. He is nice, funny, sweet, caring and makes her feel gorgeous. Her friends and family adore him almost as much as she does. But he has baggage. Maybe he has genital herpes or some other disease that in this day is pretty controllable or three kids from a previous marriage. Maybe his ex-girlfriend has promised to make anyone’s life that he dates in the future a living hell. Maybe it is just one thing that has nothing to do with him as a person, but it is just too much for her to take. Will she forever regret her decision not to try? Or is she just protecting herself?
Scenario B: He makes her laugh, but after two months of barely dating he disappeared to somewhere unknown to all of their mutual friends. He called her friend a month or so later asking, “How can I get her back?” Then he came to her and begged, apologized and maybe even groveled. She worries things are going to be like that last time even though a week after saying, “Maybe, you can get a chance,” he has acted wonderfully, but can she trust him? Does she want to? Is it worth it? Oprah suggests, “The first time a man shows you who he really is, believe him.” Meaning, the first time a man shows you he doesn’t know how to use the phone or he doesn’t call, believe that, well, that is him…but she wonders, doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?
Scenario C: She doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but she thought he was gorgeous and decided she had a crush on him the first time she saw him speak at a podium when she was in the audience. They met, became friends, but nothing developed because she had a boyfriend, and then he started seeing her acquaintance. Two years later, they decide to meet for a drink before he leaves town for another job. Over beers, confessions come out, “I remember when we were introduced. I had the biggest crush on you, but you had a boyfriend.” “I liked you so much, but what could I do?” “Why did this come out two days before I leave?” “I feel like I missed out on something.” Now, she wonders, could this mutual attraction have led to something, or is it like a vacation romance and should be dismissed. Yet, the butterflies when she calls him and her desire to move hundreds of miles toward him make her feel something else. Is following her heart asinine? What if she never jumps and never knows?
Chasing after love and letting love come to you are very different. Three very different choices, three very different men. And many different outcomes. Who knows? Maybe all three are wrong for her, but what if she chooses the wrong one? What if she releases all three and her life was supposed to be different? I often remind myself that love isn’t supposed to be hard, and dating is supposed to be fun…but what about all the questions? Where can one turn?
click for Colleen King's archives in QCF Magazine's The Columns
Colleen King’s column “Miss King Meets the Queen City” is a comprehensive look at “20 and 30-something” relationships in Cincinnati. Her column appears regularly in QCF Magazine.
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