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April 17, 2006 I Don't Mind Telling You
...Race For President Immitating Reality TV
By Michael D. Altman
QueenCityForum.com Magazine editor in chief
Presidential Idol
Think you don’t know anything about politics? Too caught up in the progression of reality show Beauty and the Geek to catch the boring, predictable political debates?
True, no debates are currently happening. However, even if you have done nothing but lie around and watch reality shows for the last decade, having no other contact with the outside world, you have actually been training for the upcoming presidential campaign and you didn’t even know it. After you read this column, keep watching those shows. By the time the campaigns begin next Labor Day, you may be a campaign expert.
No kidding. It’s all strategy and playing the audience nowadays.
The only thing missing from the structure of the elimination-based reality shows and what our campaigns have evolved into is that there is a profound gap between what it takes to be elected president and what it takes to actually be the President of the United States. On television shows, once you win, the “game” is over. The bonus with the presidential election is that you get to follow the winner for at least four years and see how his proposed policy is nothing like what he said it would be.
Read my lips… it is Must See TV!
A Look at Our Former Winners
President Bush got by in his first run as president on his acknowledgement that the United States could not be “nation builders”. Dubbed “Dubya’” (how can you not like a “Dubya”), his relative likeability (see Clinton v. Bush’s dad) played well with the television audience.
He took the crown the second time on his closeness to the Christian or nuthin’, pro-life agenda and all things right wing. Also important to Bush’s second victory was the popular opinion that he was the type of guy you could have a beer with. This was the Bush voter’s way of saying that they felt they could trust him, which is understandable since most effective communication happens via beer commercials these days.
2006 Political Traffic Report by Doug Meyers
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Former President Clinton sealed the presidential deal portraying himself as moderate Democratic Southerner, which is – politically – a safe image particularly when you’re a young and vital (enough) candidate running against a person who is too stiff. (This is the Clinton v. Bush’s dad I referred to). And all he had to do was play some sax on the hottest late night show.
Previously that stiff, George H. W. Bush, only needed to not be Michael Dukakis as it played out.
As we bring it up to date, the truth is that you couldn’t sit down and have a beer with our president. Not since he has found God. And that softness and ease with which Clinton gallivanted, predictably settled and was remolded with age into the sleaziness for which he became known. Finally… well, we were right about Bush all along – he was a stiff, a tax-raising stiff.
More to the point, what has proven to be necessary to be president in the last few administrations is the ability to handle disaster, the resolve to sit down and deal with the other side. And none of these things are put to the test in a presidential campaign. |
Game Time; Whoop!
It would only make sense for our new-aged presidential campaigns to be remodeled in the image of NBC’s The Apprentice. This show, like the primary system leading to the general election, pits two teams against each other ending with a single winner. In our version, the eliminations are made of a combination of party-faithful and public opinion. Sort of like the judge and vote-by-text-message system on American Idol.
See where I’m going with this?
How they make it past all the challenges will be, just like on the shows, dependent on their cunning, their ability to swallow their pride and their ability to play the issues.
So all of you Flavor of Love fans and Survivor or Beauty and the Geek junkies who have deemed yourself unqualified to follow politics, consider yourself officially back in the game.
In the contest of Team Donkey versus Team Elephant, here’s how the lineups shape up and what happens:
Condoleezza (Team Elephant) from California/Alabama has a credible and sickly-sweet smile. But don’t get too fond of her. While she gets a ton of face time, she is eliminated early as her propensity for cocksure in adherence to misinformation is seen as a terrible weakness to the rest of her team members.
Hillary "Miss Thang" Clinton "Survives" for Only So Long
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Next meet Sen. John McCain, the crafty veteran from Arizona. His bottom line is that although everyone on the team respects the hell out of him and he helps Team Elephant to key victories over Team Donkey, the team ultimately doesn’t feel that he’s enough of a “team player.” They eliminate him after they see no other use for him.
A very popular contestant, Bill Frist, of Tennessee, seemed to have peaked in popularity well before we joined the contest. Unfortunately for him, his previous maneuvering – the Dubai Port, Terry Schiavo, for example – have put him in association with unpopular issues with the home viewer. He does remain very popular in the “disease diagnosed before examination” crowd, but it just isn’t enough of the base. It can truly be said of Mr. Frist, “[He] could have been a contender.”
And then there’s the one for the ladies, Sen. George “The Empty Suit” Allen. People like to compare him to the man who holds the prize they all are vying for—President George W. Bush. However, like the President, Allen would prefer you compare his politics to the late President Reagan. Allen’s down home style is conducive to unifying Team Elephant in their contests against Team Donkey. He is masterful at helping his team focus their energy against their common foe. Allen survives all of the challenges well enough. He stays on task where it counts. |
Team Donkey is composed of a rag-tag team that a slight majority believes lacks any true vision, since most of their camera time is spent trashing the other team’s organization.
There’s Hillary Clinton, a Democrat who lived in Washington D.C. for eight years. Ms. Hillary – or Miss Thang, as other contestants refer to her – is highly unpopular with the majority of viewers who support Team Elephant. This entrenched hatred for her keeps her around just long enough. Although she fits in great as the character some tune in to hate, she doesn’t want the prize all that much. Not now, anyway.
Indiana native Evan Bayh, whose reputation as a bright, sharp, understated liberal. This guy is equivalent to Ace from Real World: Paris. He is a little bland, but gets along with everyone. But passions run too high for Bayh. He isn’t seen as liberal enough to survive long.
No one is really seeing Russ Feingold of Wisconsin as much of a threat since conventional political wisdom says senators don’t have a chance. He, in Real World terms, is comparable to Tec of the Hawaii cast: he sticks to his guns. Also, like Tec and his exceeding popularity following Real World—who saw that coming! By the time the contest is roaring closer, Feingold’s “courage” to censure the President will be the popular attitude amongst the home call-in viewer vote.
General Zinni, a four-star Marine general whom Bush fired, is charismatic and would draw those “swing voters” in a mood of great anger. Zinni is just hitting the scene now because of his advice in the Bush administration’s plan in Operation Iraqi Freedom. He’s just the gusty star that the show needs, and he sticks around due to his savvy and media prowess that grows as the show continues.
The Wrap-up
Just as in all your favorite reality TV, presidential races are where dreams are made and fortunes lost. And just try to remember that no one saw some kid from Arkansas coming out and being as popular and controversial as he was in 1990 at this time. George W. Bush? He’s the last Bush anyone saw in the White House at this time in 1998.
And don’t forget that someone could catch fire like a governor from Vermont who – because of a strange screaming episode in Iowa – many forget was the favorite for the Democratic nomination when it counted before it counted.
Reality faithful, go forth with confidence that one day, just as you saw that glimmer in little Kelly Clarkson’s eye, you can say that you saw a star being born right after the New Hampshire primary. A presidential star, that is.
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