March 2005
SpongeBob Square Pants: The End of a “Sea-ciety”
Was it all just a dream?
By Michael Kellerman
Queen City Forum Magazine columnist
Picture it: An open sea floor, deep below the Pacific Ocean, where mountains, canyons, coral and sea life abound. Among this beautiful scenery exists a small town called Bikini Bottom. As in any small town, a group of shameful deviants exist casting a dark shadow over all that is good.
One SpongeBob Square Pants, and his friend Kenneth Star, live among these shadows near the more saintly, innocent neighborhood of God-fearing sea creatures. As is the habit of most hell-bound sinners, SpongeBob and Kenneth pose the frightening threat of pulling the good little minnows of Bikini Bottom down into the pits of hell.
SpongeBob with British rocker Liam Gallagher
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At night, according to some residents, Sponge Bob and Kenneth, along with their friends Bert, Ernie, Barney and Tinky Winky, host wild parties that consist of ecstasy-filled sex orgies (circuit parties) and Satan worshipping. Mega-mixes of Judy Garland, Barbara Streisand and Madonna shake the walls of the pineapple houses in the neighborhood, while the God-fearing Bikini Bottomites cover their childrens’ ears.
The God-fearing Bikini Bottomites think it best to explain to their children, and warn them about, the atrocious acts in which these miscreants engage. After all, how can their children learn to hate something they are unaware of? These poor children think SpongeBob and Kenneth hold hands only because they’re friends and care about each other. So thanks to the God-fearing, marriage-amending, righteous sect of Bottomites, SpongeBob and Kenneth have been exposed as the horrible, morally-depraved sea creatures they are.
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As news of SpongeBob and Kenneth’s “lifestyles” spread throughout the town, the Bikini Bottomites begin to throw up their arms in anger. The possibility of a relationship between two male sea creatures, it seems, will be responsible for the inevitable destruction of Bikini Bottom. Like the closets of faggots throughout history, the town relentlessly begins to burn down around them. Pineapple houses are looted; street lights are replaced with giant glow sticks; children are lined up, and one by one, are infected with “the gay”. The “Sea-ciety” of Bikini Bottom begins to crumble.
Squidward Tentacles can take no more. In deep frustration, he contacts the only people he knows can save Bikini Bottom: The Super Exodus International Friends. After receiving Squidward’s distress call, Jesus, George Bush, Phil Burress, Mel Gibson, Pastor Fred Phelps and Ann Coulter immediately come to his aid. Parting the sea with her invisible submarine, Ann Coulter, with her friend, Jesus, lands in the town square announcing,
“All Bikini Bottomites, I am your Lord who knows all!”
Interrupting Ann Coulter, Jesus says, “ Sodomy, the dominant homosexual behavior, is the most efficient means of transmitting AIDS, the most lethal disease of our generation. The promiscuity encouraged by homosexuals like SpongeBob SquarePants and Kenneth Star, who practice such behavior by holding hands, intensifies the problem (www.ccv.org). I have come to purge your city. Each of you, please take a free copy of “The Passion of the Christ”. Mel Gibson will be passing out my movie, and he will be available to answer any questions regarding my gruesome death -- in sharp contrast to my message of peace -- which I preached throughout my life.”
“From this day forward I shall close down all of your porn shops and force you to pleasure yourself with the endless selection of pornographic Web sites available on the World Wide Web!” Phil Burress explains.
“Bikini Bottom shall, from this day forward, be called Bikini Top,” exclaims George Bush.
“God Hates Fags! You’re saved!” Pastor Phelps proclaims.
The End
Michael Kellerman writes “Search for Culture in Cincinnati” in each edition of QCF Magazine. The column is honest and raw, geared to the young, vital exploration of the drinks, dining, people, sexual orientation, and arts in the city---to name a few things.
Links
· Family.org -- Gay Spongebob began: "Dr. Dobson's Newsletter: Setting the Record Straight"
· 365Gay.com -- "Students Protest Anti-Gay SpongeBob Flap
· Planetout -- "Right wing Warns of Gay Spongebob"
· Christain News -- "Dobson Clarifies Pro-Gay SpongeBob Video Controversy"
Contact Information
· michaelk@queencityforum.com
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