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Sunday, January 09, 2005 - 06:33 PM
Ready or Not Here They Come
By Colleen King
In dating there are rules; a basic expected behavior of guidelines of which we are expected to follow. Often the protocol is in place after a few dates or meetings, other times we draw out our own code of conduct. These procedures, when enacted, are contracts…so, we make these bonds, with ourselves and with others. We decide, I will only sleep with you, you will only sleep with me, I will not flirt with police officers in front of you (this may not be a verbal rule), you will not hump my leg while I am dreaming in bed next to you (this one is not always assumed).
These are basic formalities to a healthy relationship. However, can a chronic rule breaker really stick to these policies? Is it possible for someone, who breaks rules everyday, to stay committed…
I break rules like the speed limit, my own dieting rules, and the eating at my desk rule daily. Does this kind of behavior show that my ability to follow rules in other situations would probably also prove to be faulty?
I worry because it just isn’t possible for some people to stay in good behavior. I stress that some people have such a need to break covenants every now and then, that a monogamous--some say monotonous--relationship just isn’t possible.
Is a simple break in the rules, any rule, cheating?
I am not going to call it adultery because Clay-the-bartender and I both agree that without a ring, this word is inappropriate, but infidelity (I use the word for lack of a good word, and desire not wanting to sounds repetitious.) sounds better. Is infidelity any breach of regulation?
Is cheating simply being attracted, or having a crush on someone else? Is it sex? Kissing? Sitting on someone’s lap? Flirting uncontrollably as flipping your hair to the right? Lying? I don’t know. Trust me on this one, I don’t know.
Someone told me that it is simply when you do something that you wouldn’t do if your partner were in the same room. (Hell, I do things everyday I wouldn’t want my partner to witness like allowing him to know I am not as cute and perfect as I may seem.)
So I ponder: is it merely the reason upon why we are unfaithful that is most important? Not the act, but the desire or the purpose being the most important. Maybe.
Many people think the reasons people cheat is because of a lack of sex, a hot partner, or even boredom. I am not a man (sorry--cheap stab), so I will now tell the truth.
I believe the reason we cheat, is because we always wonder what else is out there. In the beginning of every relationship, we think he or she is perfect. Flaws have not come out yet. No one has farted in bed and secrets and annoying quirks are yet to be revealed. An attractive stranger will always be sexier than what you already know. The unknown is hot; there is no question about that.
I think our forefathers had an idea…rules shouldn’t be hard to follow. One should want to follow the rules out of respect. I guess, the only thing possible is to define what is right for each couple, stick to that, and if you can’t be as honest as you can.
And maybe if you can’t be honest, or you wonder about trust, there is a relationship flaw. Blame the relationship, not yourself.
Not always are we dating the wrong person… but we may have yet to become the right person yet. You or I may not be ready. Rule breaker or stalwart regulation adherent--if one isn’t ready…one won’t want to stick with the rules. And this may be the most important query.
Colleen King’s column “Miss King Meets the Queen City” is a comprehensive look at “20 and 30-something” relationships in Cincinnati. Her column appears regularly in QCF Magazine.
Links
· www.flirt.com
· “Dating Secrets to Attracting Women”
· Organize Love Affairs
Contact Information
· colleenk@queencityforum.com
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