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Sunday, January 09, 2005 - 05:15 PM
Feminine hygiene products discover the holiday season
By Michael Kellerman
At last, the season of getting and giving has passed. And while it should be vitally important to remember what this season is all about leaving I am left with only memories and many wonderful material possessions for me to enjoy. Santa was quite nice to me this year; on his trip around the world, he was thoughtful enough to leave me a digital camera, a wok, a couple of seasons of Sex & the City, and the ever festive collection of Marilyn Manson’s Greatest Hits, “Lest We Forget.” Or is it we’ll never forget? I can’t remember. I’ll have to ask Mr. Bush or that little girl from Lebanon.
“I need a gift that says, ‘I like you, but not that much...’" Doris Schnetzer |
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At any rate, while receiving proved to be quite enjoyable, giving was much more daunting. Being the procrastinator that I am, I decided to wait until the very last minute to buy all of my gifts, including my gift for a Secret Santa gift exchange. By the time I reached the store, the selection was less than impressive. I was forced to resort to creative-gift-giving for my Secret Santa, whom I have only known for a short time. My last minute shopping excursion led to some interesting discoveries.
1. Maxi-Pads: Participating in a gift exchange with someone you hardly know can be quite a challenge. In order to ensure that my gift would be well received by my less than familiar friend, I decided that sexually oriented gifts would be most appropriate. On the night of the gift exchange, I headed for Target’s feminine hygiene aisle. As I perused the selection of vaginal-friendly products, a box on the shelf called out to me: The Stayfree Thong Maxi. Did you know that maxi-pads now come in sizes that conform to your thong? Now women have no need to worry about dripping or spotting when preparing for a hot date with that special someone. Just stick one of these to your thong and he or she will never even notice! If only my Depends offered such convenience!
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2. Vaginal Deodorant Inserts: Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling? I certainly have and I’m sure, at some point, my friend has too. So when I noticed a product that offered a spring fresh vagina in the form of a sheet of paper, I knew she would love it. Just insert the product after a workout at the gym, while at dinner with your lover, or after church and you’ll be the freshest lady around! I’ll have to tell my Sister to stop using those Snuggle dryer sheets!
3. Condoms: I found this purchase most disturbing. While I knew that my cohabitating friend would need some sort of protection from the woes of domestication, I didn’t know it would come at such a high cost to those most in need. The suburban Target I visited offers a wide variety of condoms for your hedonistic pursuits. I was able to pick up a multi-pack of glow-in-the-dark, ribbed, extra-thin, and colored condoms for my friend at the low price of $1.99. However, pharmacies throughout the city of Cincinnati were not so generous. The same pack of condoms in a pharmacy downtown went for about $10. Similarly, my friend, who is a regular user of Magnum Extra Large Condoms, found her usual condoms at the low price of $13.00. She claims to spend about $5.99 on the same pack at Meijer. Ahhh, price gouging and discrimination at work. Isn ’t it great?
4. “Confessions of an Heiress:” Have you ever been hit on by a less than attractive person? Well Paris Hilton has just the solution. Getting rid of that vexing tool is as easy as hiring a bodyguard. You’ll never be bothered by such annoyances again! Also, according to Hilton, remember that men never like a woman who speaks intelligently. That is such a turnoff! If you found “A Night In Paris” to be...um intellectually stimulating, you should definitely run out and buy this book immediately!
As you can see, Christmas shopping offers numerous educational experiences that could change your life forever. Still, as we wander about the book shelves and feminine hygiene aisles of Christmas shopping hell, its important to remember that this holiday season is more than just the giving of material possessions while celebrating a pagan tradition and calling ourselves Christians. It’s imperative that, during this Holiday season, we remember to drive 4-Wheel Drive SUV’s, which virulently pollute the atmosphere, in order to avoid any obstacle Mother Nature may throw at us. Don’t forget the yellow ribbons! Cheers!
Michael Kellerman and Simone Monet-Williams write “Search for Culture in Cincinnati” in each edition of QCF Magazine. The column is honest and raw, geared to the young, vital exploration of the drinks, dining, people, sexual orientation, and arts in the city---to name a few things.
Contact Information
· michaelk@queencityforum.com
· simonemw@queencityforum.com
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