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Sunday, December 05, 2004 - 06:26 PM
By Antonio Reed
Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts as I sit here all alone, then I think about my children and I dream of a good home.
Their mother's not with me cause I'm in treatment to fight this addiction shit.
I close my eyes, ‘cause it's something I deal with.
Now they have all my children and I know they're taking good care,
I'm going to take my place as soon as I can get there.
I know they're too young and do not understand,
I'm not an animal, just an ordinary man.
So I write them all letters they can read to my children,
then I say sorry cause there's no retracing what I've done.
If I can do it, then I'll see them all the time, man,
clutching my heart as I feel all the blind pain.
So I pray to the Lord that my children will be fine,
my hands are tied for the moment cause T. Reed have to be doing time.
Physically absent, but T. Reed's not done,
mentally I'm present, I have to be there for my little ones.
Dreaming of a place that we'll all see one another,
I got much love for my children that will always be forever.
Cause I'm a true ass nigga and all that,
Giving them my love and now you know where my heart's at.
Do not need the money cause I went thru the same thing,
needed me a role model so I wouldn't gang-bang.
But now on the flipside as I polish the other shoe,
seeing my errors and now I know just what I have to do.
That's what my father did - wrote me out a fat check,
needed him around but instead I'm a rough neck.
Living on the streets as a thug life gangsta,
but still alive and to God I say thank yah.
I thank him for my children, I thank him for my life,
and when I get that woman then I'll thank Him for my wife.
Then I open up my eyes see I'm still in this living hell,
and ask the question to myself, "Did I really fail?"
Then answer "no" in my heart--I'll never run,
got to be strong and a father for my children.
Three the hard way was the wheels I used to roll,
never hung around crowds so I chose to kick it solo.
Made some children and knew I had to change,
T. Reed is the name and the knowledge where my head's at.
Had to find a job and to me it came easy,
selling weed for my ends and the money was pleasing.
Nothing's going to stop me cause dudes all I really got,
on the street so high and a killer, but I still got some soft spots.
Hold them in my arms and tell them I love them much,
always calling me "Teacher" cause the hearts what I got to touch.
Got to start at home cause my father never taught this,
he was a mason with knowledge and he sold a lot of white brick.
But if he was around then I probably wouldn't have caught this case,
have to be there for my children so they will never see this fake place.
My father wasn't there, when I needed him, I was young,
People will have to kill me to keep me from my children.
Antonio is a graduate of the six-month residential drug treatment program at The Drop Inn Center and was a member of the InkTank writing group while he was there. He is the father of five children. Three of them have been permanently removed from his custody until they reach age eighteen. He is currently fighting for the right to raise his youngest daughter.
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