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Saturday, November 06, 2004 - 05:37 PM
Toothbrush, tampons & keys
Significant landmarks in relationships when they don’t come with thrills
By Colleen King
I apologize for the following absurd cliché: there are many steps in life. Each step or milestone is marked with cake, balloons, and a check from your great-Aunt Martha. With each phase of life the advancements become bigger, even if Martha’s check does not. And so it goes in relationships, there are checkpoints, and levels.
During our own lives--the way events happen--don’t always occur as planned or as the society expects. For example some people have children before marriage, some during, and some don’t have a child at all.
So, naturally we grow, we mature from infants, to teens, to wherever the hell I am now, and soon to adult. Along the way there are many achievements and levels: we start elementary school, graduate high school, maybe college, we fall in love, we get married, we raise children, and we die. There is a natural order to what we do.
This progression is also in our own romantic relations, but this is often more fun than reading about dead presidents, as we did in grade school. The stages of a sexual relationship--assuming it isn’t just physical--are adventure in our lives. We adore the chase, and we adore the journey, and as a serial dater I know this is true for me.
I asked over 60 people between the ages of 20 and 35, from the tri-state area what the most important step in a relationship was. Strangely, “I love you” was never as important as sex, just sleeping with someone, receiving a key, giving a key, meeting ones parents, or having a personal toothbrush. This surprised me.
What I figured was the most obvious, simple step, was not for everyone else. So in this situation maybe Occam’s Razor, a theory that suggests the simplest explanation is usually the correct answer, might not be the best approach. What is the most simple and obvious step, was discredited because “saying ‘I love you,” I was told, “is just words.”
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Those who I asked gave me a myriad of answers and topping the list was the infamous: meeting the parents.
Dan, 28, from Oakley said that, “If I introduce her to my parents, or if she introduces me to her parents, I know that we are serious. I am saying you will be around in the future, and if her parents are anything like mine, they won’t let her forget about me.”
Michelle, 26 from Fairfield, agreed, but Eric, 29, claimed that when he is acquainted with someone’s family that he is dating, it becomes even more important when they know about you. “If they haven’t heard about you, it isn’t a big deal, but if they ask about your hometown, high school or business, that means she has talked about you, and that is a big deal.”
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The second most mentioned step was “the key exchange.” P.J., from Indian Hill, didn’t even stop to think when asked the question, rattled off reason after reason why “the key admits ultimate trust and is the most important step in any relationship,” In the Seinfeld episode, “The Key,” we learn the importance of a key in any relationship or friendship. Whether you are giving the key, receiving the key, or it is a mutual exchange, they key is proof, physical proof, or trust, respect, and assumption that this relationship is not short lived.
The key can be seen as even more; Maura and Lanny, two 22 year old roommates from Anderson explained that a key is like a diamond engagement ring–“it isn’t quite as sentimental, but it totally means, I want you in my life.”
Other great responses included when a guy allows you to leave your tampons over at his house, or when the future (at least two seasons in the future) is referred to in “we” terms, or even when one is invited to a family function.
There were others I wasn’t so sure about. Adam, 24, from Silverton, suggests the biggest step in a relationship is when you can walk around naked in front of each other, and Rich, 21, suggests a girl only needs to swallow.
Whatever your step may be, maybe it is him buying you a toothbrush for his place, or her eating your cooking and being honest, or even him bringing you home a piece of cake from a business dinner, let the moment be celebrated. You don’t need to throw a party, with balloons and cake (but if you do, can I come?) because you finally slept together without having sex, but commemorate the moment somehow, whether it is writing down the day in your journal or circling in your planner, or simply smiling a little more. I guess in the end what event specifically occurred isn’t what is important, but what is fundamental is that something at happened happened.
Colleen King’s column “Miss King Meets the Queen City” is a comprehensive look at “20 and 30-something” relationships in Cincinnati. Her column appears regularly in QCF Magazine.
Links
· Buy the movie --- Meet the Parents
· Quizes --- “How Serious Is Your Relationship?” and Secret Love Letters
Contact Information
· colleenk@queencityforum.com
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